Worthlessness - Emotions we experience when chronically ill

Hey guys,

It's me again! Okay, let's be honest, who else would it be?!

WORTHLESSNESS - (I hope that is a word!)
We live in a society where the first thing people ask you (when you first meet them) is "what do you do?", meaning 'for a living' its quite easy to feel like you do nothing when you're ill. (If you are a teen like me, you get asked what school you go to, and I have no idea what to answer when they ask that!) Awkward!!

Many spoonies with these illnesses don't have the strength or energy to even do ordinary household chores let alone hold a 9-5, Mon-Fri job outside the home too.

Even those who don't have the fatigue problem still are very limited because of having to avoid chemicals and dust and mold, bright lights (sitting in front of a computer or in a shop), loud noises and other things.

So the 'what do you do' question is quite tricky! Others seem to judge us by that standard too. So what is our worth? If you are a doctor or a teacher, you are 'worth' more than someone who is a cleaner or works in a shop.

All of us who are ill go through this questioning at least periodically, and especially during long periods of 'crashes'. We don't even know who we are anymore! :(

We're sure not like we were pre-illness! Some can't play with their kids like they used to, do the hobbies or sports that they once loved. And we feel like we're always needing something, some help. We feel very dependent on others and sometimes we feel that others resent that.

We don't want to ask for too much because after all what do we have to offer in return?

The frustrating thing is, us who are ill, are often very bright, clever people. Our dreams were to become vets, or firemen!

We had/have potential and it's really hard to explain that to someone.

How do you feel about this? Whether you experience any of these emotions or symptoms regularly, I just wanna say that you are not alone. Sometimes it's hard to tell how you feel, especially if you are feeling more than one emotion at a time.

I hope this series is helping some of you

Chloe xo

Emotions we experience due to Chronic illness - REJECTION

Yes, it's that time again. I'm really enjoying writing these posts, so let's crack on with another one!


REJECTION -
I'm afraid that way too often people who are disabled, unable to work or participate, having weird sounding invisible symptoms end up feeling rejected.

Sometimes that is because they are being rejected. We live in a society who values most productivity.

Most self worth comes from what you 'do' and we can't do much. Sometimes we are shunned, sometimes actually told off for not being able to work, go to school or care for others. Some think that we are simply not trying.

When other people behave like this I try to remember that they are afraid. Our illness scares them. It exposes their own vulnerability and people feel very comfortable when they feel vulnerable. We are a reminder to them that nothing in life is sure, nothing forever. Nothing can be planned too far ahead, life gets in the way. Things happen. I certainly didn't imagine myself like this at 15. I thought id be in school, with friends, going shopping every weekend, maybe having a boyfriend? But no.

It is often easier for otter people to deny that we are really ill than to face that possibility themselves. Sometimes the rejection comes from indirect comments and dometimes, we spoonies can be more sensitive than others. We can also be stronger than others but we do have more time to sit and think about things that people have said about us. Resting, not being able to sleep, things go round and round in our heads.

I feel rejected as a teenager. I don't feel that I'm a very good teenager. I don't want to go out to parties because I know how crap I'll feel afterwards. I won't know anyone, I don't have a boyfriend and I don't have many friends. I try to be independent but I'm not. I don't go to school and I don't know the latest celeb gossip. I don't listen to the latest music and I don't wear fashionable clothes. I don't smoke, drink or go clubbing. So there you go. Not like other teenagers at all.

Rejected!!

Xo

Chronically ill - Emotions - GRIEF

Yes, grief. It's a bit of a different one today but hopefully it will make sense. So let's get started!

GRIEF -
After the initial shock of being ill comes a time of grieving.

There are loads of loss's that you will encounter. Loss of health, jobs, abilities, money, lifestyle and often friendships and other relationships. It sometimes feels like you are a completely different person and that you have lost a part of yourself.

It's hard to be yourself and express yourself when you feel so ill and have so little energy.

There's a loss of income, loss of enjoyments, hobbies and loss of freedom. Chronic illnesses especially those like these that affect every part of your being cause you to feel like you've lost your old self. With the recognition of those losses comes a time of mourning. Some people experience this briefly, others go through this period for a very long time. Like other illnesses a time of feeling angry follows too. Wanting to fight back. These losses are very real and some are forever.

It's weird to call it "grief" but really, that's what it is!

You have lost so much and it's hard, especially if you got ill very suddenly, and BAM! everything has gone.

Anyway, I guess that's enough for now. I'm so impressed with myself that I have managed to keep up this series, usually I give up or forget after a few posts of a 'series'! Am still going strong, and I'll hopefully see you next time! *waves goodbye!*

Xo

Chronically ill? Emotions we experience - LONELINESS

Hey guys, today's post is going to be about loneliness. Being chronically ill is very lonely, wouldn't you agree? So here we gooo....

LONELINESS-
I can't begin to tell you in words about the aloneness and loneliness those of us who are fairly house bond feel. It sucks.

Loneliness and aloneness are different. We feel both. No matter how many others you may know with the same illness you still are very much alone in your own body. All illnesses are like this. It really does help to be part of a support group of some sort though.

Then there is the loneliness. We're isolated, unable to go to social 'do's' without paying a major price with our health, for some life risking. After a while friends fall away as you can no longer do things with them. Losing friends is hard but you just have to remember that you are better off without them. True friends will stick by you, no matter what.

Some get sick of hearing about all the symptoms (i moan a LOT. am really trying to stop but its hard!) or frustrated with not being able to help. Most public meeting places are filled with things unsafe or difficult for some spoonies.

Most people with CFS/ME/CFIDS or FM don't have the stamina to participate witg a lot of things such as shopping and going to the cinema can be far too loud for some. Some people use a wheelchair so need to know that the place they are going to, has disabled toilets and ramps etc.

Over time they find themselves more and more apart from the rest of the outside world. Days on end without a change in scenery can be so lonely. You get stir crazy but don't even have energy to stir! You may crave to have a friend come visit only to find that when they come you get so exhausted and wiped out from trying to behave 'healthy' that you wish they'd cut the visit short. (Who agrees with me?! Acting 'healthy/okay' is exhausting!)

But...You fear friends and family will take that wrong and you don't want to hurt them either.

The times that I feel most alone are mostly during the night when I'm in a lot of pain and I'm maybe sitting downstairs, alone in the dark, crying. The pain is overwhelming and everyone is asleep, expect me. I can't sleep and insomnia is lonely.

Oh, this spoonie business is complicated and hard work. Being a teenager with a illness is really hard and I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of the stuff that others my age are doing. It makes me feel lonely because I don't really have many friends and those that I do have, are on twitter etc (which makes me sound so sad!).

Anyway, I better wrap up for today. Thanks for reading, see you all soon!

Xo

Chronically ill - Emotions - DEPRESSION

So, it's that time again. Today we are going to talk about...

DEPRESSION - Some people with these chronic illnesses suffer greatly from depression (maybe I do, maybe I don't. I don't know!) They get even more depressed listening to people saying that they're ill BECAUSE their depressed. It's a circle. Round and round and round.

These PEOPLE are suggesting (okay, not even "suggesting, because lets face it, they are "telling" you that, that is what is happening. When its not!) they're not really ill, only depressed therefore THEY should be able to do something about it. This simply is NOT true.

These illnesses affect the brain and brain function. Some of the medications needed do too. Top that off with how much they've had to give up to remain at the level of health they are at and you can surely see why anyone would be depressed! I mean, what is there to be happy about when there is so much you cant do and you are stuck
In bed all day? Being told your depressed is not encouraging or uplifting either.

Some people also believe that you cannot have a physical and mental illness at the same time. (Especailly if the physical illness is ME, fibro or something invisible) No, it is simply impossible to have anxiety and ME. Of course you can have both! A lot of the time, mental illness is a secondary illness/symptom to/from the physical one. Hope that makes sense.

Medications can help along with making sure to take the best care of yourself that you can like eating well and getting enough rest. For the depression that comes from being sick all the time, unable to function normally, feeling so hopeless, useless and ill.

I try not to be too focused with feeling blue as if somehow that is wrong to feel. But if any of you who are reading this, have a friend or loved one who is chronically ill and depressed to be thrre for them, ask them how they feel, not just physical but emotionally too. Ask how it FEELS to suffer like that. Be supportive and don't stop loving them. Don't try to force them out of it or hate them for it. Just be there and listen.

Have YOU suffered from depression whilst being chronically ill? Let me know and leave me a comment. Hope you are enjoying this series so far.

P.S. I'd just like to point out, I am in no way saying all that needs to be said about each of these emotions, I'm simply writing down my train of thought.

New post coming soon...