I'm Back!

Sooo.. It's been a while. As you all know, this illness is unpredictable and it sure has been kicking my butt the past few weeks. The end of 2014 wasn't great for me. For the past 8 years I have suffered from bad anxiety and at the end of 2013 I made the decision to come off of my anxiety medication. All was going well anxiety-wise until October last year and it just got worse and worse from there onwards. This is definitely the worst my anxiety has ever been and I'm not sure why it came back, I think maybe me not being at college had a part to play in it but I guess we'll never know. I was having panic attacks at least once a day, having nightmares, not eating properly and not sleeping well at all. I mostly get anxious during the night and I think because it's winter and it is darker for longer, my anxiety is around for longer too. I'm not sure what it is, the dark just makes me feel more closed in and claustrophobic. 

In December I went back on my anxiety medication and I think it's finally starting to work, I'm definitely feeling a lot more relaxed and sleeping better. My eating isn't back to normal but I think that could just be my M.E. 

Sidenote: I'd just like to point out that before I started taking medication again, I tried a lot of other things, meditation, herbal tea, herbal tablets and remedies, aromatherapy, relaxing baths etc. 

Being chronically ill has suddenly really got to me. Maybe I took it too well to start with and am now having a delayed reaction? I'm not sure but Christmas Day was one of the worst days ever for me, in hindsight I shouldn't of done so much beforehand (I had a friend round on Monday, doctors on Tuesday, Christmas Eve busy-ness on Wednesday so naturally on Thursday I was pooped). I had been feeling pretty bad for the past couple of weeks. 

On Christmas morning I went downstairs to open my presents and have breakfast, all was fine, I mean, I felt ill and was exhausted but I thought I'd be okay. After presents I needed to go back upstairs to rest and this was when it got bad [just writing/thinking about it isn't nice]. My heart started to beat really fast, which for me is a sign of total exhaustion. I lay in bed for about half an hour before I felt like I was going to be sick so made my way to the bathroom. Two hours later and I was still sitting on the bathroom floor feeling sick, weak, exhausted, dizzy and many more things, I'd be here all day if I listed everything! I soon realised that I wasn't going to feel any better any time soon so had to make the decision to stay home whilst the rest of my family (apart from my mum who stayed with me). At the time, I honestly didn't care that it was Christmas Day, I just wanted to feel better so went to bed to rest. 

I can honestly say Christmas Day was one of the worst I've ever felt. I was so nauseous, it was painful and I am now so gutted that I missed out on christmas - anyone who knows me, knows how utterly obsessed I am with christmas! I was extremely light sensitive too (hence the glasses) 

For the past year me and my mum have been planning my dad a surprise birthday party for his 50th birthday which was on New Years Eve. The party was at home and I managed it quite well but struggled a lot with being around a lot of people and it being really loud. I was downstairs for a little while, perhaps not as long as I would of liked but considering how I was on Christmas Day, I'm pleased with what I managed. 

I've never really faced anything before that determination and hard work didn't fix so it's quite hard to still be ill and struggling after 4 years. Especailly when family members make comments about 'how long this has been going on for' - as if I'm not aware of it myself!

I've been feeling down because last year I managed so much at Christmas and even in January, I managed quite a lot too. It's upsetting to of gone backwards and hard not to compare previous years - even though I try not to!

So, that's what's been going on. I feel like I went quite deep there! (Lol) I am now getting back on track (slowly) and feeling a lot better than I was. As far as New Years Resolutions go, I haven't really made any apart from to keep up with the little bit of walking I've been doing with my mum every evening. Don't get too excited, it's not much, just down our road a little way but so far I've been doing it for 3 months and have only missed a few really bad days. 

I've also been trying to introduce some stretching back into my routine as my legs have been feeling extra sore. Back in the summer/autumn, I was doing some more exercises suggested to me by the lady I saw for physio so ideally I'd like to build back up to doing that again (although I'm in no rush). I'd also like to give yoga/Pilates a go and meditate more during 2015. I've been using this video as a guide for stretching. 

Hopefully I'll be blogging a bit more regularly now, and I'll be sure to keep you updated if anything exciting happens. 

Let me know if there are any posts you'd like to see me do, I'd always love some more ideas. 

Lots of love, Chloe x 

Positivity

It's sometimes hard to stay positive especially when being a spoonie means there is so much you can't do. Something I like to do when I feel down is to go onto Pinterest and either look at some of my favourite quotes and sayings or to try and find some new ones. 

Here are a few of my favourites, I hope they brighten your day and bring you happiness and positivity. 

Chloe xx 

September Favourites

Beauty 

I am so in love with the Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Crush. This was new to me at the beginning of the month and i love how it is a dark berry shade without looking too dark or gothic. It's super wearable and perfect for the day time.

 

I had a sample of the New Charity Pot from Lush in with my birthday present from my friend Charlotte and loved it so much that I went and bought the biggest tub they do. It is quite thick so you probably wouldn't need to use it all over, every day but it's great for super dry patches like elbows and feet and is surprisingly even more moisterising than any BodyShop body butters I've tried.

 

Something else that I love from Lush is The Comforter Bubble Bar which smells of raspberries and sweets and turns your bath pink and super bubbly - what's not to love? Sorry I don't have a picture of it, I've used most of it up! 

Achievements

I baked two cakes this month, a lemon drizzle and a Victoria sandwhich cake, went shopping three times, went to a garden centre for lunch and went to a Macamillan coffee morning. I'm super impressed with how much I've done this much and really pleased I managed it all and feel really grateful to of had such a good month! 

The lemon drizzle cake I made 

Things I'm looking forward to next month

October is one of my favourite months and I'm really looking forward to Halloween! I love Halloween so I'm hoping to bake something Halloween related and maybe dress up a little bit... 

I'm hoping to go out shopping a couple of times too and to my favourite place for a hot chocolate with my mum and nan! Sorry I don't really have many new favourites this month. A lot of the books I have read haven't been very good! 

How was your September? 

An Autumn Walk

This morning we went for an autumnal walk at a country park near where I live. Here are a few pictures I took...

Chloe xx 

Things Lately

I try to keep my blog as happy and positive as possible and I like to think that I've come a long way where positivity is concerned but recently I've been feeling a bit stressed and a bit lonely too. Since finishing college, it upsets me that I don't really have any friends my age that I am able to meet up with often and although I have friends that I have met through Twitter, I would love some friends that live near me.

I feel really stressed about what I'm going to do in the future job/education-wise. I also feel really anxious about it and like I have no purpose sometimes. It scares me to think too far ahead to the future so I try to take every day as it comes. I don't feel like this as much as I used to but it's a big change not to be in education and not to see people my age and is something that is hard to get used to. I'm scared about never having a job, or being able to go back to education, never having friends or being able to do the things I want to do. I'm worried about what people will think if I'm not at college or working and it's making me so stressed. I feel like I need to have a plan but I don't and I really can't find anything that suits me which is so disappointing and disheartening that I can't do what I want to do. 

Don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm happy and positive but it's hard to be like that all the time and it sometimes gets to me. I try to apprieate the little things but it's really hard to see everyone else my age starting to drive and looking at uni's when I can't even walk too far or go shopping without suffering and being in a lot of pain afterwards. 

Chloe xx 

Dover Castle and Beach Adventures

A couple of weeks ago, I had a busy week and managed two full days out the house. The first was a trip to Dover Castle. 

Pondering over the meaning of life in the Abbey...

I climbed a LOT of stairs which was extremely difficult and painful but the view was worth it, do you think? 

 

Two days later we went to the beach for the day....

Typical English weather, the sky was very grey and so was the sea! 

I expected the second day to be the hardest and I thought I would feel worse because I would be suffering from payback from the first day but actually it was the other way round. The first day, I felt absolutely awful and didn't think I would make it out the car at first, let alone up the castle and I'm super proud of myself for how much I managed and how much walking I did, even if me and nan got left behind a lot! One thing I wouldn't recommend doing if you have ME/Fibro and are visiting Dover is going in the war time tunnels. We thought we'd just be wandering through but it was a guided tour and we had to walk super fast down slopes and there were automatic doors that closed behind you if you didn't move fast enough which was really horrible and I struggled so much. You couldn't drink down there either (although I did have to in the end because I felt awful and like I was going to pass out) and the tour was 45 mins so quite long and draining. There are also a lot of loud sounds, moving pictures and flashing lights so if I had know it was like that, I definitely wouldn't of gone! Silly me for not researching it properly beforehand. 

Both days out were super cold and freezing! Where has summer gone? I really enjoyed sitting relaxing on the beach though (even if I did look a bit of an idiot wrapped up in loads of layers including some of my nans clothes - lol my life is so elegant!). The beach is one of my favourite places to go, it's a shame I probably won't get to go until spring next year! 

I hope you enjoyed reading about some more of my adventures, I love sharing them with you all! 

Chloe xxx 

 

Resting

I think a lot of people struggle to understand what exactly counts as resting when you have M.E. When 'healthy' people get sick with a cold or virus, they may stay in bed and read, watch TV, listen to music etc but when you have M.E, 'resting' means complete rest. 

For an M.E patient to rest, we have to rest our minds and our bodies. Every part of us has to be in a state of rest. This means that we can't listen to music when resting, talk to people, watch television or even be in the same room as someone else. 

If we were watching television, our minds and senses would still be working and in overload. There would be bright lights, sounds, people talking and our brains would have to work to follow the programme, work out what was going on and keep up with the constantly changing picture. This is not resting. 

Resting is laying on/in a bed, with your eyes closed, with little or no sound and being in a relaxed state where both your body and mind are completely resting. 

I hope this helps some of you that we're not too sure on how an M.E sufferer rests and why we can't do something and rest at the same time. 

Chloe xx 

My week #6

After suffering from payback on Monday, i was still determined to go out on Tuesday (sometimes you have to do something even if you know you're body will hate you for it). Me, my mum and nan went shopping and I had the best day! 

I bought quite a few bits (I'll do a haul post soon!) and I got my eyebrows threaded for the first time which was super exciting (I was kinda scared too)! I expected it to really hurt but it didn't hurt at all, don't get me wrong, I could feel it being done but it wasn't painful. 

The finished result ... They are a lot tidier! 

My hips hurt quite a lot from walking which was a bit strange and it's usually my legs and knees that suffer more but that evening, I had a bath with my Aromatheropy Associates Relax Light bath oil (which was a gift for my birthday).  I had been umm-ing and ahh-ing over buying the AA trial set which comes with mini bottles of all 9 of their oils for a while and finally decided to give them a go. I thought I'd start with Relax Light rather than Relax Deep and it really helped me to get to sleep. I mention quite a lot that the more I do, the harder I find it to sleep. I always seem to take a good 4/5 hours to get to sleep after a busy day but this time I only took about 15/20 minutes which is amazing and I slept for 12 hours too! 

My cousin made me a loom bracelet which made my day! 

The rest of the week was spent resting and recovering from going out on Tuesday. It was pretty hot which I like because the heat helps burn up some of my pain but it also makes me a lot more tired and I find it more difficult to rest because I get too hot in bed. We seemed to have about 2 million thunderstorms though which made it difficult to sleep. 

Still awake at this ridiculous hour! 

Since I have been ill, I feel like my eyes are so much more sensitive than they used to be. After the lightening, I kept seeing flashes for at least 48 hours afterwards. I promise I'm not paranoid, my eyes just seem to hold onto light for longer! 

Cuddles with Teddy Brown at the end of the week..

So that was my week, how was yours? 

Chloe xx

My week #5

I was freezing cold for the whole beginning of the week. My body really doesn't seem to be able to control or regulate my temperature at the moment. On Tuesday my fingers went blue/purple. 

My mum dropped me off at college to hand in an assignment, then we popped into Starbucks so I could get one of these bad boys ....

.... A mocha cookie crumble frappachino!  Yum!

We then went for a drive, mum popped to Argos whilst I sat in the car and then we went to matalan. I'm actually really impressed that I managed all this because it sounds like a lot, even though it only took a couple of hours and I was sat in the car for most of it. I felt so rough when I woke up that morning and I had a few moments, especailly in college and Starbucks when I just had to focus on the most random things and pray my legs wouldnt give way. I honestly felt amazingly ill. It's crazy how just waking up can make you feel so bad! 

Essie - Status Symbol 

On Friday it was my sisters birthday... Here's a picture of her cake... 

Me and my mum had a girls night in and watched About Time - love that film!! And I had the best Caeser Salad of all time..! Then this happened... Oops...! 

#sorrynotsorry 

On Saturday, I made my mum a birthday cake... (Is it me or is this weeks post basically just food?! I've kinda fallen off the healthy eating wagon!) 

Then on Sunday, it was my mums birthday and we went out for a pub lunch. 

 My mummy!!

How was your week?

Chloe xx