Wednesday 15 February 2012


After reading Sara Whitestones brilliant post about her 'Ball and Chain', it has given me the confidence to write about one of my feelings in particular. Guilt.
I do feel guilty that i have put my parents through a lot of worry and stress. Since I got ill, they have had to do so much and sacrifice a lot for me and my health. Our whole family has changed. We cant do the things we used to, and i feel guilty, it is all my fault. I feel like a failure. I feel unworthy. Undeserving..
Before i got ill, i went to Grammar school. One of the best in the area. I was bright, and did really well, getting nothing less than A's and B's. I got high grades and was making my parents proud. But now i am forced to be okay with what i've got. I have to accept that i am only getting C's because i have missed a lot of school. C is still average but i know that if it wasnt for M.E, i could be geting a lot higher. I have had to lower my exectations of my mind, and my body, and set more acheivable goals.
I do get disappointed with my body. I get angry if i cant do something or go somewhere, and if my legs dont work. I get upset, and cry and i feel like a burden. I feel like a burden on my family. I feel like my parents deserve a fun, hapy, energntic daughter who makes them laugh. They deserve more. They dont deserve me........
Or maybe i dont deserve them. I dont know?? Maybe they are just too good for me.
I feel that i am in the way. That i am an inconvience. I feel that maybe their lives would be better if i was dead. But, i guess, theyre my family, and they have to stick by me.
But what about my best friend. Lucy. We've known each other since we were 7. She doesnt owe me anything. She doesnt have to stick by me. It hurts me to think of all the things i used to be able to do with her, the things that i cant do anymore. I know that i cant be a brilliant best friend for her all the time, but she is still amazing to me. She has to allow me to have naps. She has to come to visit me cos i cant come visit her. We cant go shopping or out too far together. But she still supports me, which i really dont understand! Why would anyone want to be best friends with me??! Its hard to get my head around why she would want to stand by me. I wouldnt blame her if she walks away. If she doesnt want to be my friend anymore. We've been through so much together, but how can she love me?

How can anyone love me?
Love and rainbows xx


Post a Comment